This was a post I wrote for a forum that Charles Eisenstein is a co-host of.
I published it in March 2021 and it was part of the beginning of my journey learning how to open up and become more resolute in my values and sense of self.
It’s been a long journey getting here; learning how to trust myself and make decisions without fear. But here I am in December 2021 about to turn 51, with 2021 a year that for me has had the most amazing list of personal events and has given me a strong sense of purpose and determination as we head towards 2022. Yes despite the horror of the way society has responded to C19, it is possible to live a life with joy and free from fear and doom.
There is time to learn how to listen to oneself and learn from the cues and invitation for discovery given to us by those around us. I learned (am learning) later in life, but I regret very little in my eventful life and am grateful for everything that has brought me here.
Here’s a little story of part of my path to where I am today.
(its style is due to it originally being more of a forum post than an essay, slightly rewritten for a more public sharing.)
In 2017 I quit a 5-month tour of the world.
I came from “humble beginnings”, my mum even more so back in the Caribbean. I took jobs and found myself climbing a ladder towards my true goal - I just wanted to play bass.
I achieved “this and that” and had an amazing time. I met my husband, received rewards for hard work and some financial stability enabling me to provide for my family by playing bass - it was my dream come true.
I stopped touring for a while in 2005 because - my kids, but that broke our bank and we had to sell our home. I wasn’t raised in a house, that achievement alone of being able to buy a house had meant a lot to me with its little garden and a studio in the back. But we had to sell and downsize moving in with my mother-in-law. I became depressed, although I appeared outwardly strong. Then I found myself in a broken relationship with divorce looming, aged 41 living in a 2 bedroom flat with a small kitchen space and my living room as a bedroom for my eldest child. We survived of course, but everything was so difficult. I looked after my mother with her developing Alzheimer’s, I helped a family member during his illness cleaning his wounds and helping with his care. I shopped for groceries and delivered home-cooked meals for 3 other households sometimes, with 4 sets of keys to the homes of family members I was helping out in my possession. I had 3 school-age children to look after too and took all the little club gigs I was offered that barely paid anything much. I taught at colleges when I could and I was almost broke.
I almost broke.
I didn’t have enough income; my life and personal relationships were even more challenging than when I was married. Then I slowly began to get work again and things were changing - I had hope, offers were coming in and I felt I was getting back to some stability. But when I was offered a 5-month tour of the world my youngest child, then aged 10 made it clear she didn’t want me to go. Her distress was very real and my dream of financial stability and somewhere better to live was over. I called my boss and told him I had to quit the band. I told my daughter I wouldn’t leave her for that long, perhaps not until she was older and that I’d stay home with her and for her, doing so willingly because her happiness and my presence was more important than anything else I could give.
I let go of my financial salvation, the best gig of my career and working in a fantastic environment with great people, (I’d already worked on and off with them since 2014).
The resolve I had was genuine and there was no fear. It felt like precisely the right thing to do. I sent my email informing them I was leaving, offering no explanation for my choice, only stating that it wasn’t possible for me to accept the tour offer. My boss called me not long afterwards and said. “I can have any bass player in the world for my tour and I want you to play bass, what do I have to do to make that happen?”.
I told him that I couldn’t leave my daughter behind and go away for that long.
What happened next was he asked me to consider bringing her along for the whole tour, he offered me support to help her keep up with her schooling and for my parental responsibilities. This is not typical in our business, an offer for that level of support as a woman? I define it that way as my needs were different, my male friends did not have such dilemmas to consider in order to tour, maybe that’s why there are so few of us women/parents in the business?
My lesson was: making a decision like that for the right reasons led to the perfect solution. My daughter is now 15 and has toured all over Europe, the US, Aus, NZ and the UK. She travelled in close community with a very diverse bunch of humans from the UK, EU, S.Africa, S.America, Asia, India and the US - 20 adults in total and held her own, making what I believe will be lifelong friendships. She and I are closer than we were before sharing unique and very special experiences together - she even sang in the bar of a Dublin pub one night!
I make hard decisions now, accepting that outcomes will be what they are and benefits are never known in advance but some will always be had. I came from despair through those years, arriving at a place of being open to the potentials that exist within every event and happenstance - even through C19 and the Lockdowns this "knowing" has carried me through; there were some amazing developments for me during the past year. The unasked-for generosity of people who don’t know your story but want to help, or give, or invite you into their space, helping to create stories as ‘grandiose’ as mine is (I guess), or just simple moments of generosity, this for me is what makes life and its potential so amazing.
Something’s happened. I have more stories like this one - so many now, life keeps giving Gift and synchronicity; a poetry of balance and coincidence...? Or Magic. ;)
I Trust now more than ever and I listen and when something feels “right” whether ideas to explore or decisions to make. I’m confident to follow where my senses tell me to go.
Openness and Trust. I’ll add another - Authenticity.
So Powerful.
Words of love and wisdom indeed Yolanda, and I appreciate them immensely
An amazing and as always inspirational story of your journey, Yolanda, thank you♥️